How To Find Your Soul Mate In A Year Or Less – Part IV
This is part of the article series for “Find My Soul Mate”, the top goal ranked in my recent poll Top 10 Goals of Goal Setting College Readers. Do subscribe to the feed so that you don’t miss out any of the articles!
Read the previous articles in this series :
- How To Find Your Soul Mate In A Year Or Less – Part I
- How To Find Your Soul Mate In A Year Or Less – Part II
- How To Find Your Soul Mate In A Year Or Less – Part III
Step 6 : Don’t Date Partial Profilers. Focus On Your Goal
Wow. This is challenging and powerful stuff.
The author hinges on the dangers of getting into a relationship with someone who seemingly meets your profile but actually don’t. In her point of view, not only does it wastes time and effort, it actually introduces a lot of personal pain because as you become more emotionally attached to the person, you’ll find it hard to end the relationship even though both of you don’t share the same core values. I really liked it when she cited Carrie’s relationship with ‘Mr Big’ in the HBO series Sex and the City as an illustration. The latter wasn’t interested in a commitment but Carrie was forever hoping that he’ll change.
What she says definitely make sense, but how many people can rationally attest and do what she suggests? Including saying ‘no’ to a potential exhilarating relationship with someone who seems fun to be with? Or being accused by others for being “too picky”?
12 people did. And I’m pretty impressed at those 6 couples who abide by her plan and succeeded in their goals. Because following this step alone takes courage. Great courage.
Step 7 : Be Open & Direct. Don’t Play Games
If you’re used to “playing hard to get” or indulging in any activities that attempts to hide something from each other in a dating relationship, be prepared for some revelation here. Such games people play with the heart has no place for a relationship which calls for a deepening of the desires of 2 souls, so to speak.
Engaging in dishonesty, lies, stories and bragging at times do seem to spice up things for some people. Ironically. But there’s nothing really exciting to know that the person whom you’ve been dating for some time turns out to be another after you’re married or in a committed relationship. Deceptions never last.
So, be as open and direct as you want. Disagree if you must and tell him straight in the face. It’s only through respecting yourself that you get to find a soul mate who respects you. And that’s one of the core of a stable relationship.
Step 8 : Tell Him Your Goal
If you’ve met a potential, it’s vital to tell him your goal before you “get emotionally hooked”. A rule of thumb, she advises, is when you start experiencing a need to have sex to progress to a different stage and not just purely for lust. The process of telling him this, can be natural and transitional if you allow this to be raised in a conversational manner, say during a discussion about another friend’s wedding, relationship issues or a romance movie etc.
Not only must you share this goal with him, it’s important that you talk to him about things that matter to you, such as your strengths and weaknesses, family background, dreams and ideals and encourage him to do the same. If he’s not forthcoming with his side of the story, ask. Should you discover things or traits that hinder your chances of a happy relationship or marriage, it’s a signal to move on. Don’t live with the false hopes that he will change.
It just wouldn’t work. And having been there done that, I really agree.
Step 9 : Develop Intimacy
When I first saw the word ‘intimacy’ I equated it to having sex or indulging in heavy petting. But it’s incorrect, says Aggie. Quoting a reference from the dictionary, she clarifies that intimacy refers to the sharing of one’s true self and if you’re able to spot your potential mate’s desire to develop this with you, it’s a good indication he’s likely your soul mate. Here are some signs :
- He’s inclined to spend hours chatting about anything under the Sun
- He’s open about his feelings and sensitive towards yours
- He’s happy to share the intricate details of his life
- He’s unselfish and willing to go the extra mile to be tender and loving
- He’s not shy in expressing his affections for you in public. Lots of hugs, kisses, “I love you’s” and physical contact.
Aggie goes on to elaborate how this intimacy can manifest in the relationship and quotes examples based on her interviews with the 6 couples. The trust and power you shower upon each other. The fun & play you enjoy. The ease in communicating & listening to each other, from both male and female perspective as well as handling criticism in the relationship.
Step 10 : Fall in Love, Be in Love
Do you dare to fall in love? And then staying in love?
This step elaborates the importance of discarding your past emotional baggage, loving and allowing yourself to be loved by the soul mate you’ll potentially attract and making an effort to keep the love growing. Pretty sensual stuff.
Step 11 : Don’t Have Sex Before Commitment
I know this is definitely going to raise some eyebrows. After all, we’re not living in the dark ages anymore, are we?
But if you give Aggie a chance to explain why she feels this is important, you’ll probably be bought over. She cites the findings of a classic study, American couples: Money, Work & Sex which confirmed that females, whether heterosexual or homosexual, desired bonding in sex. They wanted sex to be in a committed monogamous relationship. On the other hand, to the heterosexual or gay men, sex is not necessary a depiction of love or affection. It could be, but not entirely essential.
Partly because of this difference in attitude, having sex before commitment distorts one’s ability to be rational in following through the plan. You’ll be so infused with the passion and chemistry that all aspects of your plan becomes fuzzy. You’ll forget the profile you’ve so painstakingly drawn up and lose sight of the core values that you’ve so decided. The worse happens. You’ll got so emotionally attached that if the relationship don’t work out as you’ve hoped, you’ll be subjected to great trauma.
Too dramatic? Well, Aggie said her piece and all I can say is, as consenting adults, choose the advice that you want to take up and bear the responsibility for your decisions, whatever it may be.
There are also some ideas about the differences of long term cohabitation versus marriage and how to do a litmus test if your partner is ready for commitment if you’re in the former. Hmm, revolting.
Step 12 : Get Commitment
Commitment equates to marriage in this author’s perspective. And the best way to signify this? An engagement.
Not everyone feels the same and I certainly belong to the camp that disagree. I know where Aggie‘s coming from but I don’t think putting one’s signature on a marriage certificate will increase the possibility of staying faithful, exclusive and loving to each other. Though she has her grounds by arguing that a couple who’s truly committed has no qualms being in a legal or religious bond, I personally feel it’s a choice that the couple has to jointly make, not a rule or step specified in any goal plans.
They can be committed to each other even if they’ve decided to just live together. And if holy matrimony is in the cards, good for them!
Step 13 : Get Married
If your plan is to get married, this would signify the attainment of your goal. Though it means the end of The Marriage Plan, it’s actually signifies the start of a new phase of your life. A new beginning. And you can always count on Aggie Jordan to dish out some excellent advice on marital bliss to round it up.
Overall, The Marriage Plan is a pretty interesting read and I’ve no qualms recommending this to anyone interested to take charge of their life in finding their soul mate. A warning though, this plan is not for the faint hearted. A lot of the steps or rules call for great courage, discipline and determination in execution. But on hindsight, which goal plan doesn’t?
At the end of the day, it’s not so much the plan that works. It’s the person behind the plan.
So, have you decided to be that person?